| Smile Annotation 1-8 |
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I first started this story a year before I put it on the web. I was going to sit down and write an entire short book over the course of one summer, but I only got around to writing a dozen pages or so before I lost interest. One of the best things about having a weekly schedule is that it forces me to sit down and write something, because otherwise I end up putting it off way too easily. My original draft didn't have a title, but I was thinking of using "Hospital" or "Life is not a Hospital", in reference to the Ayn Rand quote: |
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"Poverty is not a mortgage on the labor of others – misfortune is not a mortgage on achievement – failure is not a mortgage on success – suffering is not a claim check, and its relief is not the goal of existence – man is not a sacrificial animal on anyone's altar nor for anyone's cause – life is not one huge hospital."
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I didn't use this title because I didn't want the word "Hospital", with its connotation of something being wrong featured so prominently in the story. I wanted the title to be more positive. My original idea was to have the male character be myself as I was entering high school and the female character be me as I was leaving, making the two extremely different and almost antagonistic. Once I started writing I couldn't help but make Liam more confident and self-aware than I had intended, though reading through my original drafts I still find him far more subdued than he is now. Once I started writing Smile on the net he got a significant upgrade, and now I'd say that he's actually the less bitter and cynical of the two characters (though possibly a little less smart than Elizabeth). Once I started writing the weekly serial I ended up using very little of what I'd initially written. I'd been kicking around the idea of converting it into a serialized story for awhile, but I only decided for certain a couple of days before putting up the website. The story still didn't have a name; I was thinking of using "Postal Code", in reference to the line "Thrilled to be in the same post-code as you" from the Lemonheads/Smudge song Kitchen, but without an explanation it would have been a pretty ordinary sounding title. I finally chose Smile because it's a word that really needs to be won back. For me, it always conjures up images of phoniness, fakeness and forced good-humor. Just do a net-search for "Smile" and see what you find. Lots and lots of bullshit. Smiling is supposed to feel good, it's supposed to represent happiness and release, not backing down and letting your brain go idle.
Elizabeth Patton – Elizabeth is just a strong sounding name, though in hindsight maybe a little generic. Patton is from singer Mike Patton.
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I didn't have a title for this part, so I typed in "This is Where The Name Goes" and laughed, so I left it.
Angela Patton – Just another good-sounding female name. I was afraid from the start that the part about American Beauty would alienate people – it's set up in a weird way, kind of jumping directly into Liam's mind. Basically I just really wanted to talk about it, but my ideas were too internalized to have Liam and Elizabeth talk about it to each other. So I hijacked Liam's brain. The first time I saw American Beauty was with my friend Matt, and a minute after we split up to go to our separate homes he came running back down the street. He said that as he was walking down the street, with one of the songs from the movie in his head, he felt what might have been the happiest moment in his life. He turned back around so we could walk together, and he could meet his girlfriend instead of going home.
The third time I saw it was by myself, and that time I took a path through the woods home. I wasn't sure if the movie would affect me as much after seeing it three times in one week, but once I was outside and by myself it actually hit me deeper than ever. I walked down the path, tears on my face, looking up at the night sky while I thought about Lester Burnham.
 Is it weird for me to get so wrapped up in this one emotion, this one idea that I am important, that my life is of supreme and unimaginable value? I think it is, but it shouldn't be. Just standing here, in front of my computer, typing this, I feel it. I know that somewhere in the world there are other people who feel this, but I don't know where they are. If they really exist, then they're underground, but I'm going to find them. I'm going to wake them up. I'm going to show them that they can look out at the universe, at everything we have and everything that exists, and that they can match it. They can look out into reality as an equal, worthy of this place and of the power they have. And I'm going to show them that no matter how boundless their appreciation for this world, what they're really seeing is a mirror of themselves. An organism pondering itself, striving to understand itself, to express itself; it's not an easy thing, and keeping it in balance is always an achievement, but it's possible and it's important. The mind contemplating itself may be the most important thing in the entire universe. When I watched the movie for the forth time, on video, the line that hit me the hardest was, "Video's a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember... and I need to remember..." Because what I wrote about seeing the beauty of the world all the time wasn't entirely true. I lose it a lot, and I have to remember. The most important thing of all is that I remember.
Steven Parker – I just needed a name, and Brad suggested Steven. Later I assigned him a last name off the top of my head.
 All the bullshit the teacher's spewing was made with a random sentence generator. For more of my writing on Ayn Rand, go to my previous book Humankind Is Without Flaw and scroll down to the "Ayn Rand and my pre-book writing" link. I found a copy of Ayn Rand's novelette Anthem on the net; it was laid out poorly, so I reformatted it before putting it here. While it's not as in-depth as her two principal novels The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged, it's still really good.
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