Got this in my email tonight, and thought I'd share.

I've never personally grown anything, unless you count strange penicillin-like cultures in Tupperware in the fridge, so I gots no clue about any of this stuff.

Make sure you know what side of the law you're on with regards to anything like this before you do it.  I understand the legality of things like seeds varies considerably from one location to the next, and I don't really keep track.

illegally delicious!

I found this image lurking over at Chimptopia tonight, and just had to share.

And I gotta tell ya, folks - I'm not normally all that excited over "teenie" stuff.  I tend to think of the generic "sexiest age" for a woman physically as being somewhere between 24 and 28.  Always have, even when I was a teenager... and generally speaking, I like 'em curvy, not narrow.

But there's just something about this particular narrow little underage thing... I would wind up going right the fuck to jail if she was sitting salaciously in those little teeny shorts all spread out and making a point of displaying her "Chow Mai Pu Tang" shirt at me.

::sigh::

It's a good thing she's just a "pikchur on da Innernet" as far as I'm concerned.

Mad phat pr0pz to Karl Beidler from the North Thurston School District in Washington State. He was expelled from school for a semester two years ago--for making a PERSONAL website on his PERSONAL web account. The website featured photoshopped pictures of his assistant principal having sexual intercourse wtih Homer Simpson, smoking marijuana, endorsing Viagra, sodomizing a pig, and other "unsavory and immoral acts".

These kinds of expulsions have occured in other parts of the country, although no others have as of yet gone to court.

Flash forward to last week. Karl the Digital Badass won a court case (backed up by the ACLU) and successfully sued the school board for $10,000 in damages plus $52,000 sent back to the ACLU in attorney fees.

Karl Beidler, you are a true American hero. Hopefully, the precedent you set this week will dissuade other high schools from prosecuting and punishing those who dare to mock those in charge.

 
Mouseover here to see what's got Junior in such a tizzy. 

(original image ganked from www.3BP.com)

(mouseover here to put it away)

mouseover here to start the animation

I knew it was only a matter of time before the parodies started rolling in... this one's stolen from memepool.

Mouseover here to start the animation.

click and be disturbed

I wound up at www.blumpy.org after reading some threads on the www.uglykittens.com forum.  For those of you who don't know, a "blumpy" is a blowjob given to somebody who is currently defecating.  Funny, "blumpy" doesn't sound like a Japanese word... but I digress.

It's kind of an interesting site, consisting mostly of tons and tons of zero-budget original video with all sorts of odd special effects.  Frankly, much like the "blumpy" it's named after, some of it's really cool... but you gotta go through a lot of shit to get to it.  D'oh!   The files are bloody enormous, too...

But I did find one clip there that managed to disturb the hell out of me - "Jamall's Cyber-Date."   The whole thing is 14.5MB strong, but I managed to squeeze the part that really got my attention down to a much smaller DivX avi.  I also took the liberty of replacing the audio track - somehow, it just seemed appropriate.

Click, and be disturbed. (DivX AVI, 1.5MB)

undead Jennifer Love Hewitt courtesy of Zahir

If you're as entertained by the bizarrely fractured plots - and equally bizarre Engrish - often found in oldskool Japanese video games, you'll definitely want to click here for a twisted video tribute.  ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!!! (Shockwave, 1.59MB)

update: I just found out that my pervertkermit GIF was bastardized in the original TribalWar forum thread that started all this Zero Wing craziness.  A winner is me!

On the other hand, if you're the type who just can't get enough of that slimy stuff, check out this unintentionally hilarious "cumpilation" video.  I didn't edit it in any way, but I did decide to rename it Bukkake Moon Rising. (AVI, 3.5MB, uses DIVX codec)   Maybe it's just my twisted sense of humor, but I laughed my ass off at this thing.

Finally, if you want some killer rap'n'roll shit, kinda reminiscent of early 311, hook up with Napster and score:

Crazytown - Butterfly
Crazytown - B-Boy 2000
Crazytown - Only When I'm Drunk
Crazytown - Lollipop Porn

If you're running Napster 2.0b9+ and Internet Explorer 4+, you can just click the links to open Napster and search for the song.   (Those of you running older - or crustier - apps can just open 'er up and type the search phrase in yourself.)

I have this burning desire to spew forth all that's wrong with the world... and I don't even know where to begin.

It's the sacred - yes, I said sacred - duty of each new generation to shake things up a bit.  To step back with a critical eye, and look at what their parents and grandparents did, and find something fucked up, in order that it may be fixed.  This is not always an easy task - often, the ideas you're reared on become so deeply ingrained that it's difficult to really understand how fundamentally bad they may be.

Let's begin with the concepts of "punishment", and of "prison." Many people have made the observation that, although in this day and age the rarity of punishment working is extreme, we as a society nevertheless cling fanatically to the doctrine - somebody does something wrong, we want to slam their dick in the dirt and grind it.  Most of the folks who realize the inherent ineffectuality of this desire to punish ascribe the popular insistence on doing it anyway to "basic human nature."

Bullshit.

Let's first begin by defining "wrong", as appropriate in this context.  "Wrong" actions are those actions which deprive people (or corporations, which are "people" in the eyes of the law) of rights, privileges, or territory to which they are entitled.   While there are actions which are legally criminal and in fact do not deprive anyone of such a right or privilege, the pretense of that law is that it protects precisely that.

So.  Upon observing basic mammalian psychology - from weasels to hippopotami to giraffes to chimpanzees - what is the instinctive reaction of one animal to another animal's encroachment upon rights (food), privileges (females) or territory (hunting or grazing grounds) which that animal feels it is entitled to?  That reaction is not to punish - it is to defeat.

When an alpha male wolf engages in ritual combat with a younger male sniffing after a female, he is not punishing the younger male, he is asserting dominance.  By defeating the younger male in combat, he prevents that younger male from flouting his authority.   He asserts dominance in order to preserve the social order in the pack.   Similar behavior patterns can be found in members of all mammalian species - you have to remember, to a wild animal, pain is a fact of life.  To a creature which is used to a daily proposition of "find food for myself or die", simple pain really isn't that much of a negative motivator except as it signifies defeat.  As such, the motive of one wild animal attempting to suppress a behavior in another is not really to inflict pain per se, but to inflict defeat - to prove that it can, and will, personally prevent the behavior which it is attempting to suppress in the other animal.  Pain - "punishment" - is only an indicator of damage - not of defeat.

So this brings us to our modern society.   If we accept that the basic mammalian - and therefore human - instinct is to defeat, not to punish, then why is the desire to punish so nearly ineradicable in our societies?   It's simple: we've subjugated nearly every possible avenue for the defeat of those who encroach on our rights, territories, and privileges.  We cannot use force to prevent the theft of our possessions, the trespass on our territory, or the abuse of our weak - our government has decreed that it and only it is allowed to be forceful.

All of this leads, quite rightly, to a sense of powerlessness - and, frankly, a mild sort of insanity.  You cannot protect what you cannot see - you can only respond to calls alerting you to the fact that the damage is already done.  People, however, desire safety... and knowing damned well that police can do little to prevent crime - only respond to it - the only thing left to them is revenge... "punishment."

And so we sentence perpetrators of all sorts of "crimes" both real and imagined to prisons - prisons designed to "punish" but not to defeat.  And through the mechanism of constant "punishment" - guards who do their best to curtail university-sponsored education programs for inmates, prison administrators that "cannot condone homosexuality" yet foster an environment of brutal rape, and more - we teach these inmates that they do exist in a hostile wilderness... and - get this, it's important - we teach them that lawful society encroaches on their privileges and that pain, no matter how prolonged, does not truly signify defeat.

Makes you think, doesn't it?

The root cause of this problem is that our society has ceased to view personal protection from crime as a civic responsibility and instead has decided to view it as a civil right - something that we had the "right" to have others provide for us.  This will never work - you cannot protect what you cannot see.  Thus, if we do not accept the responsibility of protecting ourselves, in order to attain safety we must submit ourselves to the constant scrutiny of people charged with the responsibility of preventing us from doing anything they consider wrong.

Citizens should be responsible for protecting themselves - and each other - from crime.
Police should be responsible for investigating possible crimes.
Prison guards should be responsible for protecting prisoners - who have, by criminal action, lost the right to protect themselves.

If you take the above as truth - and I do - it becomes very clear that we, as a society, have imprisoned ourselves.

Unfortunately, we have somehow perverted things so that "prison" is a place where you lock away and forget criminals.  Instead of being imprisoned so that they can be more closely monitored in order to prevent them from abusing people, society chooses to pretend that prisoners are "locked away" where they are completely powerless and no-one has to bother worrying about them abusing anyone.  Of course, this is not actually true - prisoners are still perfectly capable of exploiting, abusing, and generally hurting each other.

Since our system views prison as "punishment", however, and views criminals as "removed from the picture" rather than placed under closer supervision, this very vulnerability of one inmate to another - and to guards - is not seen as a problem.   And after a few years of the lifetime experience of extreme opportunistic abuse and exploitation such an institution creates, we let these people back out into society... which they (correctly) see as just another prison, but one with very few guards, light surveillance, and powerless inmates.  Is it any wonder how high the rate of criminal recidivism is? 

Rather than taking every possible basic human freedom away from imprisoned criminals, an effort should be made to preserve as much freedom as possible within the constraints of security.  Inmates can be and are given useful work; they should be paid in "prison money" for that work and allowed - encouraged - to spend that money on cable TV, nicer bedding, computers, internet access, et cetera.  The only way to truly reform a criminal is to create for him a life in which hard work and being kind to others is continually repaid, in small increments, with better living conditions - all "punishing" him for years on end is going to do is enrage him.

Conjugal visits should not only be allowed, but encouraged.  Prisoners without current wives or girlfriends should be allowed access to internet "personals" sites to find them.  For that matter, it would be a damned good idea to make prisons co-ed facilities - economies of scale make penitentiaries which would be too small to be divided into separate halves impractical to run anyway.  Logistics might be damnably difficult to work out for existing prisons, but newer prisons could be designed from the start as twin facilities separated by a monolithic wall, each side to have one extremely high-security access portal to a "commons" area - one which is never left unsupervised.   Prisoners who want romance - or just plain sex - and who had earned the privilege of access to the commons could be allowed the use of private rooms - with the requirement that each prisoner sign a logbook before entering, stating their willingness to leave the supervised area with their partner.

Finally, criminals who have not shown a marked willingness and ability to live side by side with others peacefully and without attempting to abuse or exploit them should not be released back into "unsupervised" society... and neither should they be released into "unsupervised" society until after securing a tangible and practical means of support: aka, in most cases, a job.  Anyone will steal to feed themselves or their family.

Some conservatives will complain that these "dream prisons" will be hideously expensive to maintain.  They might - or might not - be more expensive than current prisons.  But I can tell you one thing: even putting moral issues aside, they will be cheaper than running the entire country like one big penitentiary.

And frankly, I'm tired of being a prisoner.

I always knew that having a 'vibrate' function on those cellular phones was a problem.

I still have a PCS phone under my bed. Maybe I'll turn it back on someday but I doubt it. At least it has a vibrate function.

You know, the dumbest idea Bill Clinton ever had - and that includes stuffing a cigar in the vagina of an emotionally unstable 20-something intern in the Oval Office - was that plan of his to "get more police on the streets."  Me personally, I get accosted by cops with attitude a lot more often than I do by criminals - and his plan hasn't exactly helped the problem any.

I got pulled tonight because I don't have a tag on my car yet.  Considering the fact that I have paid the property taxes on the vehicle in question, have insurance on it, and have paperwork detailing the reason there aren't tags yet (a paperwork error made by the seller), you'd think this would be a pretty friendly sort of stop...

But, since the car looks kinda rough at first glance - the clearcoat Ford used in 1990 not being one that stands up well to the test of time - the cop was just positive he had himself a nice fat bust.  Guy in a black leather bomber and a baseball cap, driving a rough-looking sports car with no tags on it... hoo-wee, we got usselves a good 'un, heah!

Pig.

Once again, I bring you a story that comes complete with a translation:

mouseover here to put 'em away again

It never ceases to amaze me how worked up people get over fake nudes.

The Britney picture Stile posted is fake, folks - fake fake fake.  Those tits are WAY too big to really be stuffed into that tiny little top - at least if you expect to stuff Britney in there with them!  The original pic the faker worked from is posted to your right.  (And yes, I know Britney's a little demon-whore-child.  But did you really think Disney would let her wear a Saran-Wrap top on stage?!)

But if you want to pretend you're ogling Britney's tits, far be it from me to stop you - in fact, I'll help!  If you're gonna get worked up over a fake nude, the least I can do is make you a good one.

So mouseover here to check out my fake Britney pic... just don't get the monitor too sticky, okay?

Update!  Why fuck around?  Mouseover here and take the whole damn top off.

You know, idiocy deserves company.

I'm not too happy about the new Israeli Prime Minister.  For those of you who haven't been reading the news, Sharon (the new Israeli PM) is a big-time warmongerer, so we have more violence in the mideast to worry about.  Greaaat.

Well, on the upside, American capitalism is live and well.

Whilst shopping at Publix, our friendly local grocer, I stumbled upon a gem in the candy aisle.  Thunderstruck, I realized that now, I had the power to do something I'd always wanted to do... EAT A SOVEREIGN NATION!

Now, not to point fingers at specific Canadians, but I've noticed that the average Canadian tends to be rather slim.  It didn't particularly surprise me that Canada was fat free.

Upon first glance, Canada appears to be similar to a tab of Pepto Bismol.  However, I would later realize that it tasted completely and totally similar to Pepto Bismol.

The back panel caught my eye.  One serving -- two pieces?  This is damn clever.  You see, with only two pieces, there's less than half a gram of fat.  Less than half a gram of fat, round it to zero grams of fat average in two tiny "tabs" of Canada.  Zero grams divided by the total number of grams in two tabs equals zero percent fat per serving.  Zero percent fat per serving times number of servings.  Zero fat content!  Statistics are fun.

Returning to my sweet, luscious Canada, I discovered a disturbingly white-trash air to the Land of Mapleness.  They actually write the name on the country.  I think the main goal of this is to distinguish a tab of Canada from a tab of MDMA.

Now to the actual taste.  Some people would expect Canada to taste like mayonnaise or gravy, but this is the wintergreen flavored Canada. Or, so says the bag--for when I chewed into sweet, sweet Canada, I tasted a hearty chug of Pepto Bismol, mixed with subtexts of bubble gum, a bit of wintergreen, and a dash of cinnamon flavoring.  Not particularly bad, but after three or four "servings" (eight or nine pieces) an unpleasant aftertaste formed in my mouth, and I tossed back a bit of water.

The worst part of the entire experience was the after-aftertaste.  A certain other brand of mints well known for their sexual uses leaves an odd scratchy feeling in the back of one's throat upon sweet minty overdose, as does Canada.  

Simply put, Canada may not be for everyone.  But if you enjoy socialized medicine Pepto Bismol, you may enjoy Canada.